My Mind's Ink

I’ve been surprised to learn that everyone has fertility issues, or has a connection to someone who does. For my wife and I, last year was dominated by a pursuit of pregnancy. I thought I would start this new year by sharing some observations about that.

We decided to be open about what we were doing and how it was going. That’s been a positive thing for us. This process is difficult enough without having to maintain a double life, but even if you choose not to talk to family or friends, try a professional. We both went to counseling, and I’d recommend the process. Infertility generates anger and heartache in significant quantities. Talk to someone, it helps.

You can do everything right, and still not win. That’s a tough pill to swallow but that doesn’t make it any less true. Do what you can, and let go of what you can’t control, which is almost everything.

A positive attitude all of the time is not required. If wishing was what it took, we’d all be pregnant. It’s okay to feel angry, frustrated and hopeless. Stop beating yourself up over it.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Your situation is worse than some, but better than most. Self pity is a comfortable place to wallow, for awhile, but don’t settle in.

You are not what people have in mind when they plan (or don’t plan) to get pregnant. No one is getting pregnant to spite you. I’m sure that’s what if feels like, but it’s not true. And they are not trying to tell you in a way that upsets you. I’m sure it feels like that too, but people don’t like to keep secrets from their loved ones, and it’s tough to know what the right words are.

We had a “State of the Union” meeting with our fertility doctor. My perception of our conversation varies significantly from my wife’s.

I heard the doctor say:

“It could be, that despite having plenty of good news along the way, that we have simply been unlucky, but we must also reconsider other possibilities. I’ve never been thrilled with the thickness of your endometrium (uterine lining) and my gut feel is that may be a contributing factor.”

Michelle heard:

“This is your fault. You have substandard equipment. You have let us all down. In summary, you suck.”

Faulting yourself because the lining in one of your organs is a few millimeters too thin, or a funny shape, or missing all together, makes no sense. You have freckles, or straight hair, or your second toe is longer than your big toe. These are not things you can attribute blame to. They simply are. You can fit that into whichever philosophies you hold. It may be random chance, fate, karma, predetermination, or the will of God. No matter which is true, there’s not much you can do about it. This is not your fault.

I’ve read many accounts of people that are upset that someone else got pregnant “easily”. This someone just got married, or has only been trying for a year, or hasn’t spent as much money on treatments, or has had fewer procedures. Measuring the relative worthiness of other people’s pregnancies implies that happiness has a price and that your pain, determination, or hope will eventually foot the bill, but you know life doesn’t work that way.

Life’s not fair. Good people die, the rich and famous are rarely deserving, and teenagers get pregnant just by looking at each other. It’s great to rage against the unfairness of it all, but it’s like screaming at a tornado, it feels good, but it doesn’t change anything. Of course it’s not fair, get over it. I don’t say that to trivialize your hurt, but simply because I see no alternative.

Your problems with infertility may end with what you desire, a baby, or this may become one of the major tragedies of your life, but not everyone who experiences a tragedy is made a victim by it. Seek counsel, tell it, write it, paint it, howl it at the moon if that helps. This need not be a fatal blow.

We men are the supporting cast in this drama. Women take the lead, along with the burdens of that role. I am sure there are other men writing about this somewhere, although we must be a rare breed because I haven’t stumbled upon any of them. So, I find myself in a position I’ve grown accustomed to from my family life, the lone male in a room full of women. I know to resist giving suggestions and advise, but I’m terrible at heeding my own counsel. My intent was not to upset anyone, of either sex, but if I did, I’m sorry, remember, I’m just a dumb boy.

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