My Mind's Ink

Every year at Christmas I witness a battle. Brothers pit themselves against brothers in a fight for the most sought-after of rewards: bragging rights. The Christmas Bakeoff separates the men from the boys, and from the girls.

The premise is simple. The ladies provide appetizers judgment-free. The men each make a desert in the hopes of obtaining victory and the coveted Buck Knife Cup.

Set into a small case with a soaring eagle inset into the open lid sits the Buck Knife. Nestled in a form-fitting faux suede insert is a folding three-inch-long blade with a matching eagle emblazoned on its hilt. Winners are engraved on plaques around the base transforming a victory into lasting glory.

Founded in 1997, the Bakeoff has grown from its young roots to attract competitors who demonstrate a great deal of kitchen prowess and artistry. With just ninety minutes to bake and present their items the contestants are judged on taste, creativity, kitchen clean-up, and, in a surprise addition, a Christmassy outfit. Rumors of old-school rules leading up to the event are confirmed. All items are to be baked on-site.

Five men competed for the title this year. They baked in an order determined by a paper rock scissors tournament that kicked off the festivities.

The opening entry came from the Crowd Favorite, a strong competitor from humble beginnings who has yet to taste victory. His Ginger Cake with Caramel Sauce was a solid entry, but he fell down on the kitchen cleaning, and the judges are notoriously tough in this element.

The Rookie had struggled in his only previous Bakeoff entry. Moving up into the major leagues is never an easy transition. Little was expected from him, but his Quit Pecan at my Macaroons showed that he had learned much from his previous attempt. This year he was a genuine threat.

The Bakeoff pushes competitors to their limits. The Founder made every effort to impress with a classic Bananas Foster, but looked a little shaky going into his first flambé attempt. The risky move did not produce the desired heat, but the results were excellent despite the lack of fireworks.

The Defending Champ presented a small house of flourless chocolate cake, three small scoops of vanilla bean ice cream, a driveway of Grande Marnier raspberry sauce, and a light snowfall of icing sugar. The Defending Champion was not going to give away the cup easily with this well-executed homage to Frosty the Snowman.

It is much easier to get comments out of a competitor after he has presented his item. Once he steps out of the kitchen, sobriety has no competitive advantage. One competitor confided, “It’s like drunken sex. You’re just trying to have fun and not make a fool out of yourself.”

When I questioned the Defending Champ about his flambéed raspberry sauce he said, “Look, I had no idea he was going to make his first attempt. At this level you can’t afford to pull your punches.”

Batting cleanup for the evening was legendary drummer and previous champion, Sweet Mesquite. The crowd sought details of his desert as he stepped into the kitchen. “My desert has three separate elements.”, he said, and a legend was born.

Babe Ruth, in one of baseball’s most famous moments, pointed to centre field, the hardest place to hit a home run, before stepping up and doing exactly that. It must have felt something like watching Sweet Mesquite step into the kitchen, wearing his red snowman sweater, declaring he was presenting a desert with three elements, and baking to victory.

The day following the Bakeoff is never easy. An evening of appetizers, deserts, and liquor doesn’t come for free, but the regrets hurt the most. The Founder said, “You know, I’ve been thinking about it, and I really think Bananas Foster deserved the win.”

Perhaps the sting was lessened by talk of presenting The Founder with the unofficial Turd Fergason Outstanding Spirit Award for Best Team Play. Knowing that points were being awarded for the element, he provided each competitor with a high-end Santa Hat. His assistance cleaning the kitchen for other competitors captures the essence of the Bakeoff.

The hot topic amongst the competitors was Sweet Mesquite’s winning entry, Butterscotch Budino, Champagne, and Rosemary Pine Nut cookies. The cookies were pre-baked. In the heat of battle, no one had thought to launch a protest. By the time it registered with any of his rivals it was all over except the crying. Sweet pulled out an unprecedented second victory and took home the Buck Knife Cup.

There are those who point out that many of the other presentations included ice cream that was brought in. Of course, as I heard one veteran say, “Ice cream ain’t bakin.’”

Not bowing to comment on the controversy, Sweet has promised his fans he will wear the now famous red snowman sweater in every Bakeoff.

I think a third victory is going to be hard to come by. I overheard The Founder giving his parting comments to the new champion.  “Congratulations on your win.” He paused a beat to allow, “Thanks” before adding, “Try to win it with just one desert next time.”

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