My Mind's Ink

A single well spring sent out a cascade that changed how I saw my future. Rivulets trickled down forming new patterns, and a landscape of ideas and visions sprang up in their wake. When the source of it all ran dry, everything began to wilt and blacken.

A child changes everything, and as it turns out, the idea of one has the same effect. Deciding to have children was a major cross road, and once the path was chosen, I started to skip ahead. I could coach baseball. Manners are important. I want to eliminate TV. We will need to figure out school lunches. I hope we have a girl. Should the baby sleep in our room? What kind of a father do I want to be? A baby became so woven into my projection of the future that the death of a possibility triggered a sense of loss I was unprepared for.

The news that Michelle is not pregnant hit us gradually, but hard. Michelle started at shocked disbelief, and I resorted to my comfort zone, in which I am business like and ask concise pertinent questions. Over a period of days we each went through our own transitions from denial and depression to sad acceptance.

When you take part in a process like IVF, and broadcast the experience like I am, you become aware of how common this story is. Getting pregnant is rife with drama in the most basic cases. The addition of medical problems, high financial tolls, and emotion inducing drugs complicates matters. Not to mention the very real, and for some people, likely possibility, that the only result of this journey will be the slow death of hope.

Our outlook is not so grim. Our problem is self induced, which simplifies our situation, and frankly, makes me feel guilty in the face of other people’s more difficult battles. We have no medical issues beyond the obvious hiccup created by the vasectomy. The doctor assures us that our prospects are good, and success is a matter of continuing to roll the dice. We are disappointed, but resolved to try again, and we are optimist about our chances.

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Having a baby begins the same way most things do, with a Google search. We investigate the options for fertility doctors in Victoria, BC, and make an appointment.

The first thing we learn is that you never wear cologne when you go to the fertility clinic. Embryos are very sensitive and can be affected by scented products. We are told this on the phone and reminded by a sign as we enter the office.

I originally wrote a quip about how the sign in the office was redundant, because Michelle reminds me every visit. Which is true, but I could not make the joke work, because I cannot even sell it to myself. She reminds me because she knows me.

The doctor quickly rules out further surgery to reverse the vasectomy, identifying himself as a man of great wisdom, and someone I like immediately. He suggests In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) with an additional technique used to get my contribution without a scalpel. We are given pages of reading material and are sent off to get a battery of blood tests.

IVF is a complex and expensive process, with no guarantees. The blood tests help confirm that we can both live up to our end of the bargain. The consultation, and the information we walk away with, are to ensure we understand the stakes. We make our decision immediately; we are all in.

The names of professionals occupying the building are indicated by glass panels mounted outside the doors in the hallway. As we leave, Michelle points out a panel etched with the name “Butkis”, and has a little giggle. I can already envision her making fart jokes with the child we are here to conceive, and it makes me smile.

Notes about the clinic

This process of trying to get pregnant using advanced medicine I barely understand is emotional, stressful, and sometimes overwhelming. The professionals guiding us through the maze of drugs, tests, and procedures, greatly influence the emotional impact. I want to acknowledge the staff at the Victoria Fertility Centre because I cannot speak highly enough of them.

Dr. Steven Hudson, the central figure at the clinic, is exactly the guy you would hope for. You do not want to be speaking with a professional and find yourself worrying you are the smartest guy in the room, but then, feeling completely bewildered by five syllable medical terms is not the desire either. You want someone who portrays a confidence in their expertise and that communicates technical information in plain simple language. In this we are very lucky.

The staff supporting Dr. Hudson are warm, knowledgeable, and methodical. Trips to the clinic are frequent during some stages of the IVF procedure, but they are conducted quickly and efficiently. Despite multi-tasking at a frantic pace everyone makes time to be pleasant and helpful.

The most important aspect of Dr. Hudson and his staff is that they are emotionally invested in our journey. Most often they are communicating with us about appointment dates, dosage adjustments, test results, and protocols. It would be easy for all of that to become cold and clinical, but I never feel that anyone has forgotten the purpose of all this, which is to help us start a family. Everything is done with sensitivity, and a recognition of the impact this has on our life, and it makes all the difference. We are not just a file, we are The Brittons, and everyone is hoping for us.

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