My Mind's Ink

I was recently married for the second time. The first time I was in my early twenties. I thought of an engagement ring as a given part of the process and so I bought one without a lot of consideration. The second time I proposed was more than a decade later. I had changed and considered the idea of an engagement ring a great deal.

It would be outdated and offensive in our culture to receive a dowry from the bride’s family as a condition of marriage. Why then is the exchange of expensive jewelry as a precondition an accepted practice? The basis for two people getting married should be how they feel and who they are. The attachment of a one-way monetary exchange clouded the issue and made me feel uncomfortable.

Give something to fulfill a requirement and it ceases to be a gift. It extracts the emotion and replaces it with duty and obligation, neither of which I wanted to associate with a desire to share my life.

On top of all that, I held a suspicion that the entire idea of diamonds as a precious commodity was obsolete. A little reading and research only reinforced those notions.

The industry has created a value for diamonds; they are essentially worthless shiny rocks. The association of diamond rings to a proposal of marriage is the result of a clever marketing campaign; it is a tradition created by a corporation.¹ Artificial diamonds can now be created which are superior to natural stones.² As technology improves they will almost certainly remove whatever intrinsic value the natural stones posses. Conflict diamonds continue to help finance human atrocities in various parts of the globe.³ In short, the purchase of a diamond ring is an entirely ridiculous notion.

Despite all of these things, I bought one. I did so for a few reasons:

• All of the arguments I have presented are logical. I have learned the hard way over the years that logical arguments have no place in an emotional discussion. Wants and desires are rarely rational things.
• I have ridiculously expensive Japanese kitchen knives. I have received thousands of dollars in camera equipment from my wife and I have bought thousands more. I have more computer equipment than I really require. My girl does not judge and criticize the things that I desire; I should provide her the same courtesy.
• She agreed that the one-way exchange was silly and unfair. Her solution was simple and touching. She asked me what I wanted. If I wanted something, it would make her happy to get it for me. There was nothing that I wanted, but the offer pleased me.
• Do I think it’s stupid? You bet, but it is not about me. It is about her. Withholding something that would make her happy, and I was perfectly capable of providing, simply because it caused a ruffle in my intellectual landscape, would have been a poor way to start a marriage.

When I asked my girl to marry me I gave her a diamond engagement ring. I am very happy that I did. Asking a woman to marry you is one of the best things you ever get to do as a man. Tension, anticipation, excitement, nervous butterflies, and then that look on her face that will just melt your heart. It has been more than a year now and I still catch her staring at that shiny rock on her hand. It may not make a bit of sense to me, but this is marriage, it will not be the last thing that doesn’t.

Suggestions

If you decide to buy a diamond ring I have a few suggestions for you:

• Avoid malls and jewelry stores. The markup in these places is beyond ridiculous. If you want a stone in a simple setting a wholesaler is a good bet. Custom jewelers can produce something unique, if that is your desire, and can generally do it cheaper than retailers. If you want to go peer into jewelry cases with your girl try Costco. They have surprisingly good quality stuff, just not a lot of selection.
• Do your research. Understand the basics of a diamond and have a solid idea of what you want before stepping foot into a store.
• Once you have decided on a diamond make sure you get documentation that lists the details of the stone. It is a good idea to get an appraisal. You need to ensure that you have actually received what you paid for, because, really, how would you know. It is also a good idea for insurance purposes.

References

Fake Gems, Genuine Appeal – NY Times
Diamonds or Oil, Is a Cartel Forever? – NY Times
Have You Ever Tried to Sell a Diamond? – The Atlantic
What are artificial diamonds? – Wisegeek.com
How to buy an engagement ring – Guardian UK
Diamonds on demand – Smithsonian
Blood Diamonds – Wikipedia
Vancouver based diamond wholesaler

Footnotes

1. DeBeers began a large campaign in the 1948 which included putting diamonds in movies and on famous personalities to promote the idea of diamonds to the common man. The campaign is the source of the phrase Diamonds are Forever [↩]
2. The only way to tell them apart is that the man-made diamonds have fewer flaws [↩]
3. Measures have been put in place to prevent this but loopholes are widely acknowledged [↩]

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