A single well spring sent out a cascade that changed how I saw my future. Rivulets trickled down forming new patterns, and a landscape of ideas and visions sprang up in their wake. When the source of it all ran dry, everything began to wilt and blacken.
A child changes everything, and as it turns out, the idea of one has the same effect. Deciding to have children was a major cross road, and once the path was chosen, I started to skip ahead. I could coach baseball. Manners are important. I want to eliminate TV. We will need to figure out school lunches. I hope we have a girl. Should the baby sleep in our room? What kind of a father do I want to be? A baby became so woven into my projection of the future that the death of a possibility triggered a sense of loss I was unprepared for.
The news that Michelle is not pregnant hit us gradually, but hard. Michelle started at shocked disbelief, and I resorted to my comfort zone, in which I am business like and ask concise pertinent questions. Over a period of days we each went through our own transitions from denial and depression to sad acceptance.
When you take part in a process like IVF, and broadcast the experience like I am, you become aware of how common this story is. Getting pregnant is rife with drama in the most basic cases. The addition of medical problems, high financial tolls, and emotion inducing drugs complicates matters. Not to mention the very real, and for some people, likely possibility, that the only result of this journey will be the slow death of hope.
Our outlook is not so grim. Our problem is self induced, which simplifies our situation, and frankly, makes me feel guilty in the face of other people’s more difficult battles. We have no medical issues beyond the obvious hiccup created by the vasectomy. The doctor assures us that our prospects are good, and success is a matter of continuing to roll the dice. We are disappointed, but resolved to try again, and we are optimist about our chances.
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Dirk,
I’m sooooo sorry to hear this news. I understand clearly and truly feel what you and Michelle are experiencing. A boat load of emotions comes with this process, together you can get through it. Support from others will help as well. Reframe your thoughts to positivie ones. Planning the next steps will help bring closure to this cycle. Many blessings.
Angie.
http://www.ivfdiaries.com/?p=1056
Dirk and Michelle — I am so terribly sorry for you both. Sending you both love and hugs in this difficult time. My deepest wishes that success and happiness will come for you soon.
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