My Mind's Ink

Pound for pound there’s nothing as scary as a spider. What would you rather fight, a 200 pound dog, cat, man, gorilla, or spider? Of course, that’s not fair. A gorilla that big is normal, but if you look outside your window and see a spider the size of a labrador retriever, then shit has gone seriously sideways, you are trapped in a Stephen King novel. Still though, spiders, you don’t want a big one on your face. I think we can all agree on that.

There are several formidable arachnids in our back yard. The biggest of the brood has proportions that match those of Shelob. Low and squat with a large dangerously colored abdomen. After wandering into its thick clinging web one night I instituted a strict “daylight only” policy on compost deposits. He’s stationed just above, an ideal spot to feast on flies, and one might assume, unwary home owners.

The smallest of our backyard dwellers

At dinner this evening, my wife Michelle suddenly pointed at me with a look on her face that said, “What’s that?” Unfortunately, I interpreted it to be, “What’s that!” Nervously, I took a quick swipe at my face, and when I did, I felt something move, so I slapped at my face with purpose, but still didn’t come away with anything. It would be fair to say that I now clubbed my head frantically in abject terror as I fell off my chair.

I over reacted. That’s clear now. A weightless fiber was stuck on my lip and on the end of that, a small piece of my dinner. When I turned my head I started it swinging, and that was what I felt move. My attacker was poached Sole.

Michelle laughed so hard she couldn’t catch her breath. Had she been drinking, it would have squirted out her nose, instead her mouth full of food took the same route. She was forced to alternate her pointing and laughing with choking and gasping for air. Which proves my point, spiders are dangerous, even imagined ones.

The difference between utility and utility plus beauty is the difference between telephone wires and the spider web. – Edwin Way Teale

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