Adoption

Adoption Is Strange

December 1st, 2011

Adoption is strange. Not loving a child someone else gave birth to, that seems normal. But, the adoption process is strange.

It’s like purchasing real estate. There are meetings, appointments, paperwork, legal documents, itemized invoices, and professionals of all sorts to guide you through the many intricacies. The process of adopting a baby is a business transaction. It’s difficult to connect it with the idea of a real child.

Not everything different is bad. Our “Home Study” was not the terrible experience I was dreading. The woman who conducted it was nice, and she asked some thought provoking questions. Questions that created discussions my wife and I wouldn’t have otherwise had, and that was a good thing. Taking a ‘baby care” class is also mandatory. Again, not looking forward to that. I expected “How not to kill a baby 101″. But, it was a time well spent. The nurse who ran the class was a good teacher, and I did pick up a skill, I can wrap a baby burrito now.

The class provided me a great deal of reassurance. We were the only one of the eight couples taking it that were adopting. I know this because the nurse had us introduce ourselves, say when we were expecting, and let her know what our experiences with babies is. The guy next to me says, “We are due in six weeks. I’ve never even held a baby.” Dude. And his wife, the woman with the infant knocking on her insides to get out, said she had “a little more experience, but not really”. Dude.

I feel good about this. I have three younger sisters. I started babysitting when I was young enough that my mom got me to read by paying me with comic books. When I was 16, a relative offered me the chance to live in the city if I could look after her two young sons during the week. A little money and not living with your parents all summer was a good deal, so I was a nanny for a baby and a two year old. I hate to brag, but I don’t remember it being that tough of a job. I feel good about this.

Still, it’s difficult to connect lawyers, paperwork, and a class with a plastic baby, to the idea of a real one. Having one in your hands will probably do it. It’s nice to think that living with a pregnancy would better prepare you, but I’m not sure that’s true. Maybe it wouldn’t hit you until you had it in your hands. Maybe it’s not that different from fatherhood, by any other method.

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Sometimes Punch And Break Things

May 16th, 2011

We did some more IVF. It worked. And then it didn’t. I was done. My wife was not. We’re equally stubborn, but she’s significantly tougher than I am. We agreed to one last, all or nothing, Hail Mary. After that didn’t work she more easily adopted what had become my line of thinking, which was, “This part sucks. Let’s get to the part that doesn’t suck.” We are adopting.

The process has many steps. One of the first is a meeting with the woman who is completing our home study; the stamp of approval to proceed. She gave us a questionnaire to do. Family history, upbringing, that sort of thing. I flipped through it, and the first question I came upon was “How do you typically react when you have a disagreement?” It was a “check as many as apply” question. Lots of options. One of them was,

  • Sometimes punch and break things

Who would check that box? It would have to be someone that not only does punch and break things when they disagree with their partner, with whom they are adopting a child, but also, they maintain an unwavering adherence to “honesty is the best policy”. I would think that question identifies a narrow margin of the population.

I showed my wife, “See baby. I told you. We’re golden.” I think we’re doing fine. She’s afraid of not getting picked. I don’t get that. I’ve told her, “I don’t get that. We’re awesome. We’ll totally get picked.”

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Biology

February 12th, 2010

I am not strikingly handsome or a member of Mensa. I will never set a world record or make a scientific breakthrough. I’m not special, and except to me, my wife isn’t either. A baby isn’t any more likely to be extraordinary because the two of us made it. So, is biology important at all?

In many ways, no, biology doesn’t matter. I’m confident I would love a child that’s mine, regardless of their DNA. That’s not the whole story though. Biology isn’t everything, but then again, it’s not nothing. There are definite advantages to creating a baby with your own genetics, both practical and emotional.

Having a child is scary. When you are considering jumping off that precipice, biology at least feels like something you can cling to in a sea of lurking unknown. I can’t know someone else’s medical and family history, proclivities, talents, weaknesses, and afflictions as well as my own. And, while I know my wife less well than myself, you know, we’re pretty tight. There is an element of becoming a parent that’s a gamble, but there is comfort in rolling your own dice.

You don’t have to qualify to have a child of your own. No interviews, social workers, reference letters, lawyers, counsellors, mandatory classes, support groups, criminal record checks, or doctor’s reports. You can argue that the process of qualifying to be a parent is both a good, and in the case of adoption, a necessary thing. I would agree, but the fact of the matter is, it is stressful to be examined with such intensity, and then to put yourself up for scrutiny by mothers, boyfriends, families, and government agencies.

When the woman you love tells you she doesn’t just want to have a baby, she wants to have your baby, that’s visceral. The desire to see your lover’s face reflected in your child is primal. Biology has gravity, there is a pull to it.

DNA, of course, does have concrete influences. Our kid has about a 75% chance of having brown hair and eyes. Who cares? Not us, but that’s not my point. My child would inherit some of my traits, and it is nice to think that they might benefit from some of my better ones. Maybe procreation is the ultimate act of narcissism, I don’t know, but I get the attraction. Biology isn’t everything, but it’s not nothing.

Next week something other than baby stuff I think. I’m trying to write a speech about Empathy for a Toastmasters competition. I’m struggling to find some way to lighten it up a little, the premise is that I could have easily been a killer. Oh, I know right, the laughs keep on coming.

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Choices

February 5th, 2010

There is an interesting talk on TED dealing with how too many options have a negative impact on happiness. It’s more difficult to select a salad dressing when you have a vast array available at your local supermarket. With all those options your expectations are extremely high, and when your choice fails to be perfect, there’s the nagging suspicion that you could have done better, so you are less likely to be happy with your choice. We had a meeting with our fertility doctor yesterday, and I’m feeling like I understand that better.

We could try IVF again. The doctor is surprised / concerned we have not yet been successful, but there is no outstanding reason to wave us off another attempt.

We could try a donor egg. The age of M’s eggs is a factor, and none have successfully implanted. The doc thinks this is our best chance to get M pregnant.

We could try donor sperm. The advantage here is this is a less complicated / expensive procedure, and we could take a few tries at it.

We could do IVF with a surrogate (with or without implanting M at the same time). This increases our chances, but clearly adds complexity, and affects other people’s lives.

We could give up fertility treatments and carry through with the adoption process we have started. This opens up a whole new series of choices: age, race, nationality.

Each choice has different benefits, risks, costs, success rates, and schedules. On top of all that are some serious and hard to answer personal questions about what having a child is all about, what is important, how badly does M want to be pregnant, and how do we feel about biology. We will have to make a choice from all those options, and it’s a decision with a lot of variables. It’s overwhelming. It really is. I have less of an idea about what we should do than I did before the meeting.

If you got pregnant by sharing a bottle of wine and an orgasm. Nice work. I’m envious.

The paradox of choice – TED

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The Plan

January 18th, 2010

When does The Plan stop being The Plan? We anticipate, create visions, project into the future, it’s a uniquely human curse. When The Plan fails to mesh with real life do you revise it, abandon it, or create a new one?

When we first started In Vitro Fertilization we secretly entertained notions of an easy home run. IVF overcame the vasectomy, which was the only hurdle we foresaw, and we’ve had excellent news at every step, except, of course, the final result. We have not decided if we will continue with the process.

Science provides other options. The doctor has suggested a surrogate, and to my great shock, we’ve had several volunteers. I’m still trying to get my head around the idea. It seems, extreme, and it involves other people in a process we’ve found to be stressful and highly emotional. No decisions here either.

The initial stage of the adoption process is a report that takes up to half a year to complete. We are going to get started on that in case it is what we decide to do. It’s always been our back-up plan.

The Plan still is. Same destination, different route.

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Adoption

July 3rd, 2009

We have decided to have a child. The first step is figuring out how to make that happen. I don’t need the birds and bees talk, I get how it’s usually done. I had a vasectomy, so the question of having a baby isn’t straight forward.

adoption

I like the idea of adoption. It’s one of the reasons the vasectomy decision caused me little pause. Adoption is one of the possibilities we put on the list.

I held this naive notion that adoption would be easy. I figured some paperwork and a cheque would be all that was required to secure some cute hungry orphan from a far away land. The reality is more complex than that, which is a good thing, I suppose. Adoption from various countries around the world is possible, but the process is lengthy, uncertain, and expensive.

Given the proper perspective any issue has two sides. Take human trafficking for instance. Buying a baby sounds like a horrible, morally offensive absolute, until you want one, and have money. Then you can see good arguments for why that rule should have some flex in it. I’m joking of course, unless you’ve got a baby for sale.

Adopting a child from within Canada, removes some questions, but adds others. In Canada, children are in short supply, and the birth mother makes the ultimate decision about where her baby goes. Michelle and I feel confident that we will present ourselves as parents that someone will pick, but it is an imposing barrier to consider, and no timeframe can be established.

Having a child is a scary proposition. I underestimated the role biology plays in providing a sense of security. When you are considering jumping off that precipice, biology at least feels like something you can cling to. It is one less variable in a sea of lurking unknown.

Other factors are at work as well. My wife wants to be pregnant. No male can deny that feeling, and I empathize with the notion that if you are going to go through motherhood, you might as well try the whole process.

Adoption has not been removed from the list of options. We will consider it again as life dictates. Until then we are pursuing other avenues to fulfill our wish.

Of course the vasectomy seems like a rash decisions in retrospect, but I am not the first fool to change his mind. There are medical options to father a child after “the snip”. We make an appointment with a fertility specialist to see what they are.

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