to vote for favorites. Only 2 votes needed to get on the list.“Ow!”
“What?”
“You punched me!”
“Oh, if I punched you, you’d know it.”
My wife is the one doing the hitting, so it’s OK, you can laugh, this is the acceptable sort of spousal abuse joke.
3 votes 
Loading ...Conversations
She’s Fiesty
May 7th, 2010 3 votes Loading ...Officer Michelle
March 5th, 2010
I’m setting up a company. There’s been progress on the whole search for the dream job thing, that’s not what this is about though.
“The lawyer asked about setting up corporate officers.”
“I’m the officer. Officer Michelle. I’m in charge.”
“Then I think we should get you a uniform.”
5 votes Loading ...Twat Pills
December 4th, 2009
“I’m trying to think of a way to write this story so you will let me tell it.”
When I say this to my wife, she is standing over a mirror, with a foot on either side. I’d add, “in a compromising position,” but that’s redundant. You can’t straddle a mirror in a prudish way. It certainly doesn’t help matters that she is applying vaseline.
Normally, laughing would not be my response. I’d be too busy congratulating myself on marrying this girl, however, this is not what it looks like. It’s rare you can use that expression and mean it.
There are a lot of drugs involved in In Vitro Fertilization; vitamin and mineral supplements, hormones, and drugs designed to enhance, suppress, or encourage things in her body. An alarm rings six times a day. Everytime it does, she has to inject a liquid into her stomach, or take a pill. Some of these pills she can swallow, and some she has to take inter-vaginally, she has to insert them. Why the hell the vagina needs to consume this medicine in such a direct fashion I don’t know. I’ve already established I’m no gynecologist.
Every eight hours she puts two pills up her, and that’s the only thing that goes up there for two months, if you get my drift, which you must, I’m not being subtle. An orgasm contracts all sorts of muscles, as some of you may have noticed, and that risks a pregnancy. All that equipment is dedicated to other projects at the moment. For more than three months it’s off limits. You can bet that isn’t on the brochure for In Vitro Fertilization.
So, we have some time on our hands, which leads to some restless nights. One evening my wife looks over at me laying in bed and says, “We should shave you from head to toe. Everything except eyebrows and hair.”
“Yah?”
“Sure. What do you think?”
“I think we’d have to be pretty bored on a Saturday night.”
Thankfully, it hasn’t come to that, but we had a good laugh, and it’s important to remember to do that. This process is hard. There is a lot of anxiety, heartache, and stress. If you can’t find some humor in it, you have to fill the space with other emotions, and that’s rarely better. This is why, when her alarm goes off, she announces, “Time for Twat Pills.”
There is so much going on that we had to make up a calender with the dosages and procedures, which change every couple of days. As each of the six alarms goes off and she injects, inserts, or ingests a medicine, we cross it off the calender.
I saw her swallowing her vitamin so from the kitchen I yell upstairs, “I’M CROSSING OFF VITAMINS.”
“OK. AND TWO O’CLOCK TWAT.”
“OH. YOU DID THOSE?”
“WHAT? TWAT?”
“YAH.”
“YAH, I DID THOSE.”
Maybe that sounds strange to you. In truth, it’s lost all meaning for us now. It’s just another noun. Seriously, have about a dozen of those conversations and see if the words “Twat Pills” doesn’t start to settle into the decor.
Which brings us back to the mirror and the vaseline. As I said, it’s not what it looks like. These pills she inserts, the Twat Pills, they slowly melt, and well, the vagina is not Tupperware, it leaks. So she’s having trouble staying dry, and in what could only be considered a tragic irony, she has diaper rash.
The most valuable aspect of a sense of humor is the ability to laugh at yourself. You end up taking a lot of unexpected roads in life, at least if you are doing it right, and it’s often scary and unpleasant, but if you squint your eyes right, it’s a little funny too. So my wife and I have a good laugh, and I tell her that I love her, and that it is a shame that she will never let me tell this story.
Good response to my request for more “favorite clicking”. We’ve got some movement on the Reader Favorite board. Nice job folks. Thanks.
We find out the results of this IVF round next week. We both feel a bit reserved about it. We are trying to avoid disappointment by attempting to not get excited in the first place, which works about as effectively as you might expect.
Michelle beats herself up for not being the personification of positivity. So she’s feeling bad, about feeling bad. This whole process is a real mind fuck. Fingers crossed.
I’m still working on the story about what an awesome soldier I was. I’m having trouble though, it keeps getting longer, and I don’t have an ending (that’s good), so that might be next week, or not.
12 votes Loading ...This and That
October 23rd, 2009We are into attempt three at IVF, Michelle can tell you the grizzly details. I don’t have anything else ready to publish this week, so here are a few conversations we’ve had lately, you seem to like those:
D: I’m sorry.
M: And I’m sorry I snapped at you, because you were a jerk.
D: You suck at apologizing
Michelle says something that makes me laugh hysterically.
M: I’m awesome
D: That’s true.
M: You’re lucky.
D: Sure, but I get most of the credit.
M: Why?
D: I have impeccable taste.
D: You’re hot.
M: Thanks. You’re good-looking too. It makes up for the stupid shit you do.
2 votes Loading ...Gynecology
August 10th, 2009
There is more to your reproductive system than your vagina. That is the title of a chapter in a fertility book I flipped through today at the clinic. Turns out, it’s true.
On ancient maps, mariners would mark uncharted areas of the sea with pictures of serpents, mythological creatures, and the warning, “Here be dragons”. It’s much the same way that I view the female reproductive system. I mapped out my favorite vacation spots, and everything else is veiled in mist.
We have spent hours reading information and speaking with professionals at the clinic about the entire process we are undergoing. I have been present for dozens of ultrasounds to view the state Michelle’s ovaries. Despite all of that, this morning I asked her how her uteruses were feeling. We will have a kid in college before she lets me forget that.
4 votes Loading ...I Am A Veteran
July 6th, 2009
I have a poor memory for details, which is a polite way of saying I am both unobservant and forgetful. My wife recalls things I rarely do, or never noticed in the first place. This frustrates her. We often have conversations she begins by saying, “Remember when…” but, or course, I don’t, so they end with, “It’s a wonder you find your way home at the end of the day.”
Perhaps this should be troubling to me, or it could be my most valuable trait. I am largely immune to stress and anxiety, and maybe it is because I forget my troubles along with everything else. I should get a shirt made with a big smile on it that says, “I have the memory of a goldfish.”
I tell her to look on the bright side. When my memory completely fades, after relying on her for a life time, I will believe whatever she tells me. I regret pointing this out almost immediately. She looked at me incredulously today when I failed to remember an event less than a week old. She raised her voice like she was speaking to an old man with failing hearing and said, “You were in the war!”
2 votes Loading ...A Low Woman Bullshit Factor
May 22nd, 2009
My wife and I are out with friends at a crowded pub. We share a large table with a group seated at the other end. Sitting across from me is a woman that reminds me of Penelope Cruz. She is petite with delicate Latin features and smooth skin. Her top plunges below a diminutive bust line to reveal the lace edges of her bra, which she manages to make look sexy and elegant. She is extravagantly beautiful.
We are seated by the stage and in the direct parade route to the bathroom, so we get a good sampling of the twenty somethings revving up for their Saturday night out. I begin to notice a general trend in the crowd highlighted by a group of girls standing close to us. Over produced hair, too much makeup, and outfits a size too small combine to shout, “Look at me.”
I lean over to my wife and say, “Look at these young things trying so hard. You’re the prettiest girl in here.” She smiles at me, kisses me on the cheek, “Thank you baby.” Then she flicks her head in the direction of Penelope and adds, “Well, if you ignore her.” “Yes,” I agree, “except for her.”
She is not trying to trick me into admitting I noticed a pretty girl to make a fuss. She made a joke and we have a good laugh about it. Self-assurance is sexy, and it is not an ingredient in hair spray. Someone should tell these other girls.
5 votes Loading ...I would do it for you
May 15th, 2009
It’s good to push boundaries. It helps you grow and experience new things, and sometimes it reinforces why there are boundaries in the first place.
Michelle: (lifting her arm) Is that B.O.? I just showered. Check.
Dirk: I’m not smelling your armpit.
Michelle: I’d do it for you if you asked.
Dirk: I wouldn’t ask, and that’s the difference.
5 votes Loading ...A Thin Defense
April 24th, 2009
Michelle: That’s not nice! Don’t call me retarded.
Dirk: I didn’t. I said your idea was retarded.
2 votes Loading ...She Can Dish It
April 14th, 2009
Michelle: Screw it, I’m not wearing makeup today.
Dirk: What! How are people going to know you’re good enough to be with me?
Michelle: Oh, I think that’s pretty obvious.
4 votes Loading ...Dryer Ball Wars
January 16th, 2009My wife brought home two dryer balls. No, I had no idea what they were either. Egg shaped, covered with short thick spikes, made of a stiff pliable silicon, it sits in the palm of your hand. It resembles a dog’s chew toy or a sex toy gone horribly wrong.
4 votes Loading ...Coons Age
November 14th, 2008I know that the following conversation is essentially a reenactment of a Kevin Smith movie , but it did take place, on several occasions. (more…)
2 votes Loading ...