My Mind's Ink

Introduction

My sister was having a discussion with friends revolving around whether or not these friends should have kids or not. She thought she might be able to help them out by presenting an argument in favour. In order to be balanced she asked me to write an argument against.

Before we get into the dirt slinging though I would like to say that I do not hate kids. In fact I quite like kids, particularly babies. They are adorable and I love spending time with children. It is just important to me that they are other people’s children.

In truth I will not be making an argument against having children. Have children or don’t have children, frankly what do I care. What I do aim to do is let you know that it’s alright not to have kids. Despite what those with kids may say it is quite likely that should you elect not to have them you are going to be just fine. Crying into your pillow at night about what an empty existence you have is not a likely outcome. In fact, not having kids, is pretty damn good.

There are many who have no problems with this decision one way or the other. My sister is one; she always knew she would. I am also one; I never had any serious intentions of having kids. Neither one of us are offering opinions while sitting on the fence. This is for you poor unfortunate souls who are not sure and are seriously stressed about it.

Why I didn’t have kids

Everyone is different, so the various nuances about my decision are not applicable to you, however at the center of my reasoning is something that applies to many people. It is this: I never wanted kids. I do not intend that to sounds as flippant as it does. What I mean is that I never felt a true desire. It is fine to have doubts about what kind of parent you will be, or when the right time is, or can I afford it, or is this the person I want kids with, but at the root of it all you should have a desire. Without that the whole thing is an intellectual process, and without that emotional want, a decision has already been made. You can make an intellectual choice about what car to buy, but this is a human being. Unless you can get emotionally invested in the idea and find a nugget of desire, you should not have kids.

Never trust a parent

The following are a collection of gems you are bound to hear should you make the mistake of telling someone who is already a parent that you are debating having a child. Prior to having any serious discussion about the potential negatives of parenthood it is important to shed any nonsense the parental factions has heaped on your shoulders. I present three of the more common sentiments you will hear along with my opinion of why they are mostly bullshit.

I can’t imagine my life without little Mark

This is one of the most annoying chestnuts a parent can throw out into the world. What about your daughter Sally? You know, the cute little blond haired cherub you never had; the imaginary child you didn’t give birth to after little Mark. Can you imagine life without Sally? Of course not because the idea is ridiculous. People without kids are not wandering through life missing the kids they did not have anymore than parents feel the loss of the children that they chose not to have.

I’m sure little Mark is a perfect treasure, but he is a real person, and your attachment to him does not instigate an attachment in me to some ethereal non-existent kid. You can’t imagine your life without Mark, well I can’t imagine my life with little John, so we’re even. Parents stop saying things like this. It makes me want to poke you with something sharp.

You would be such a good dad

I think the same thing when I hear this as I do when someone says: “Don’t you think they make a nice couple?” How would I know. Maybe the only way he can get off is if she screams “Ya, you’re the king baby!” each and every time. She thought it was cute at first, but frankly after a couple years it is wearing pretty thin, and she is seriously doubting his claim to the title anyway. My point is that it’s sweet that people say things like that, but they don’t know. Hell, I don’t know if I’d be a good dad, so neither does anyone else.

Lets assume I would be a good dad though. So what. I’d make a good chef too. Anyone who has had dinner at my place would probably agree. I really like to cook, have a modicum of talent, and get a great deal of satisfaction when people enjoy what they are eating. So, I would make a really good chef, but that does not justify me devoting 12 hours a day to running a restaurant or going back to school. Having a child is not like trying out a new hobby, it’s a major life choice. We don’t devote our lives to everything we might be good at. Along with the ability to do something there must come a drive to do it, and in the case of child, do it full time to the exclusion of many other things.

What is the point of life without children

Most people do not put it quite that way, but that’s what it boils down to. I am willing to believe my existence has no real point, but I don’t think that is effected by my choice not to breed. I don’t know if my life is rife with existential meaning, but I don’t think I take a back seat to the average soccer mom by default. There are certainly those that believe the entire point of life is to produce children. Everyone has a right to an opinion. However, that one is stupid.

A few things to consider

So now you can feel a little more confident that, despite what you have heard from enthusiastic parents, you won’t pine over non-existent kids, you are probably not squandering some god given talent as a parent, and your life is not likely to be any more or less pointless without kids. That arms you to defend yourselves from the soft sell you get from your friends who have kids and your parents who want grandkids.

If you are not getting much external pressure and you do have some desire to have kids, but still are sitting on the fence, here are a couple of things to put in the cons column.

Kids are expensive

Kids are seriously obscenely expensive. I am sure I could dig around and get some statistics on exactly how expensive, like what a kid will cost you over your life time, but it seems like overkill. Just do a little figuring the next time you are at a movie theatre and check out the family of four with all the snacks. Clothes they grow out of in a month, soccer cleats, diapers, pre-school, day care, tuition, birthdays, christmas, braces, summer camp, more clothes. Clearly it is going to add up.

In truth I think the money is the weakest argument of the bunch. Everything is a trade off in life. Again, however, just like the time commitment does not compare to a hobby, neither do the financial implications. They are significant, so it is something to to consider if that is a concern.

The number one thing that couples fight about? Money of course.

Your kids are probably not going to be anything like you

I bring this up as a bit of precautionary tale to those of you with romantic visions of parenthood. If your idea of raising a child centers around playing catch in the yard while casually delivering pearls of wisdom while your child hangs on every word you might want to hang around a few more kids before throwing away the birth control.

Anyone currently trying to convince themselves that the above paragraph does not apply to you might want to re-evaluate. I say this because I think deep down most parents think their children are going to be exactly like they are. I say this because so few people really consider adoption. Most people want a little piece of themselves and I think that is at least partly evidence that they think that is what they are going to get.

I think a lot of people have an idea that they simply will not make the same mistakes that their parents made and all will be well. This stems from the ingrained idea that your kids will be like you; that the things you considered mistakes in your childhood will also be the source of tension with your own children. Life is never that easy and this is no exception. The issues you have with your children will be entirely new to you. You will have no experience at all in the issues you face with your own children.

The truth is your kids will be their very own people from the start. In every likelihood there will be aspects of your children that you never quite understand because they view the world in an entirely different way.

Sex

National polls estimate that some 20 percent of married couples have sex less than 10 times per year.¹

I tried to find some statistics on this but frankly Google searches involving all the terms that came to mind just gives you all sorts of crap you do not want to read about. Suffice it to say that people without kids have more sex than people with kids. I wish I had the energy to really dig up some good hard sources for that, but do we really need them. You know it is true.

Oh I know, you are going to have all sorts of parents attacking that idea as preposterous, and giving advise on how to keep the fire alive, but it’s mostly bullshit. I’ll tell you how you know. Ask the husband. Or get your boyfriend to ask. He’ll get the real story, and let me tell you, it is rarely an enthusiastic one.

I am just saying, something to consider.

Empirical Evidence

The problem with this debate is there are few facts. Everyone has an opinion, but heavily biased by their own personal experience. People without children can not fully understand either the difficulties or the joys of raising a child. Parents are emotionally invested in their own children and so can not contemplate life without having taken that step. What we are missing is an informed opinion unclouded by emotion. It would be helpful to be able to ask parents a simple question: “If you could go back, would you do it again?” You can ask the question, but the answer is largely meaningless. Obviously parents love their children. It is impossible for them to detach themselves from this fact when contemplating the wisdom of their decision to have kids. So how would you find out?

Kids suck, and I can prove it

I have a simple experiment for you to perform that will generate some actual numbers that support my position that kids are not all they are cracked up to be. To reiterate, what we want to do is to get an idea of people’s feelings about having children both before and after they actually have them. We want to compare apples to apples so it is important to get this information from the same individuals.

The solution is a poll consisting of two questions posed to parents:

1. How many children did you originally plan to have?

2. How many do you plan on having now?

You can ask the questions of any parent, but I would suggest that you would get better data from the under 40 crowd. Over 40 you may run into generational differences in the approach to the family, and the older you get the less likely you are to remember your original plans and intentions with clarity.

The answers to the questions give you some solid information because it compares the same persons opinion about having children both before they have any experience with the matter and after. The scoring system is simple. If the answer to both questions are the same the answer is neutral, but if the question two number is more than number one then that is a vote for children, less is obviously a vote against. Often you get a range like “Well we thought two or three”, or you get a couple that has differing positions such as the husband wants three and the wife wants two. In such cases if they end up with the lower number it is a vote against, if the higher number it is a vote for.

The Proof

Let me tell you what you will find. Most people stick with their plan. They have the same number of children that they originally intended. However, you will also find quite a few couples that have adjusted their plans downward after having children. You will find no one that has bumped their number up, or at least significantly fewer than have reduced their numbers.

This is highly instructive. The same people were more enthusiastic about child rearing prior to actually having children. Of course I am sure they love their children and perhaps are very happy with parenthood. There are undoubtedly both pluses and minuses to having a child that are not foreseen before you actually go through the process. The results of our little poll are a good indication that, at least for some, the unexpected minuses outweigh the pluses.

Conclusions

As I indicated in the introduction, I do not really care if you have children or not. My goal here is not to convince people who want kids that it is a horrible idea. I do not think that is true. My goal was simply to provide an alternative to those who are not sure about the idea. Kids are great, but so is a childless existence.

Footnotes

1. For many, no sex after parenthood – boston.com, March 13, 2005 [↩]

Introduction

My sister Kristeen was having a discussion with some of her friends revolving around whether or not these friends should decide to have kids or not. She thought she might be able to help them out by presenting an argument in favour, which is presented here. In order to be balanced she asked me to write an argument against.

Kids Rock – by Kristeen Gordon

A friend of mine once asked me if I “listen to all that annoying kid music” when I’m in my van with my kids. I didn’t give my friend an answer, because I knew he wouldn’t understand until the day he had his own children. Having children changes everything. I have two children, so I have lived both possibilities: life with children and life without them. In my opinion, the changes you will encounter will be (when it’s all averaged out) positive. I will not attempt to convince you in this paper that having children is always wonderful or easy. I intend to convince you of only one thing; it’s worth it.

The biggest change that comes with becoming a parent is – and this should not surprise you – you will have a whole new person in your life. An entirely new person to love. The most important thing about this aspect is that the love you will feel for your baby will outweigh any other argument you come across. This love will affect every change you encounter. All of the seemingly negative changes will suddenly have a positive spin to them because they have an indescribable new emotion attached. This is the part of parenthood that it is ridiculous to even attempt to explain, so I won’t. Just trust me when I say that the rest of my arguments for embracing the change of parenthood pale in comparison to this one. And keep in mind that when you think of having a baby, it will not just be any baby, it will be your baby, which is a very important distinction. I remember when my sister would get me to look at her sleeping children; she would gush over how sweet they looked, and while I thought they were very cute and I also loved them, I didn’t know how she felt until I first looked down at my own baby in his crib.

Another thing that will change over time is you. Having a child will make you a better person. You will need to become patient in order to handle things the way you want to handle them. You will become less selfish because suddenly someone depends on you thinking about them first. Imagine thinking about someone else before yourself in every aspect of your life. You will also become educated on things you thought you knew a great deal about, like who you are as a person, human nature and the true meaning of unconditional love. You will learn to choose how you respond to situations that are beyond your control, and that if you choose correctly, parenting will be fun and exciting. I once came out of my bedroom to find my son had drawn a mural with what turned out to be not-so-washable marker. Once I finished laughing, I took a lot of pictures.

Having a child also changes the way you experience life. This can be one of the best parts of becoming a parent, because you get to experience things that you wouldn’t normally. You will meet people that otherwise would never cross your path and you will find yourself at places and events that you never thought you’d see. My sister and her husband spend many summer days watching their kids race around a BMX track – something they never dreamed they’d be doing – and loving every minute of it. You also get to re-experience things that you did as a child. Some of your favorite memories can be relived through your children and family traditions that you enjoyed can be seen again through an adults eyes. You can watch your child play the sports or take part in the events that you loved when you were growing up. You will get to experience things through your kids, too. When they enjoy something, you enjoy watching them enjoy it. And all of the things that you love to do now can still be done through the miracle of babysitters. Having children changes how you experience life, but the rewards are unexpected and endless. You may think that you will miss out on things if you have children, but you have no idea the things that you will miss if you don’t have them.

Your relationship with your spouse will change when you have children. I think this is a scary prospect to some people, but I believe that a strong relationship is only made stronger by having children. Your baby will be a combination of you and the person you love, no matter how it comes into the world. For me one of the most exciting aspects of parenting was watching the man I love hold our baby for the first time. You will get to see your spouse in a whole new role, and your respect and admiration for them will multiply. You also get to work with your spouse as a team on the most important project in both of your lives! You will collaborate and you will have someone else to share in the joys of being a parent. And your spouse will probably be the only person who will fully understand how you feel about your child.

So what about the possibility of negative change? It’s my opinion that life is mostly what you decide it will be. When you decide to become a parent you must decide to see it for what it is. It is not easy. In fact, it is the hardest job in the world if you want to do it well. A lot of things that are difficult are worth the effort, and parenting is one of those things. Change is scary, but you can’t get what you don’t have without changing. Maybe you are worried about the kind of world that you are bringing a child into. You might be surprised to find how many young people are out there making the world a better place, and the number of websites devoted to kids helping people. You might be concerned that when your kids grow up, they will not give back in the way you want them to – they won’t call you or visit on the holidays. I have learned from my own mother that you get from your children what you give, and that if you want a relationship with your adult children, you will be able to earn it. What if your child is a problem child? Children aren’t perfect, and chances are you will be worried about yours often, but many families come out of tough circumstances stronger than they went into them. You probably have a host of other concerns and worries about the potential changes associated with parenthood, too. I can’t alleviate all of those worries, but I can tell you that I still believe it’s worth the leap. Change is scary, but great things can result.

I haven’t asked my friend if, now that he has a son of his own, he listens to annoying kid music, but I’m confident after seeing him look at his baby that if the day ever comes that his little boy looks up at him and asks, he’ll be able to listen to whatever he wants. Choosing to become a parent means choosing to embrace a major life change, and many people are not up to the challenge, or are not prepared for it. The reality is that when I became a parent I did not fall instantly in love with my children like some people do. I have had days when I have questioned my decision to become a parent. I have had days that I thought would never end. It speaks to the power of the experience that even after all of that, I believe that becoming a parent was the greatest decision I ever made. My life has changed. I have two wonderful people in my life that I love beyond comprehension. I am a kinder, gentler person (though I still have a long way to go). I get to experience the crazy, unexpected, and usually hilarious things my children do and say on a daily basis. I have a stronger relationship with my husband than I ever thought possible, and despite the curveballs that have been thrown our way, I wouldn’t change a thing. Don’t become a parent if you don’t feel that it’s right for you, but if you embrace the decision to have a child, then embrace the change as well. I have lived both realities and I believe that life with children is better than life without them.

There is trend developing over the last few years that both annoys and troubles me. At my local grocery store I began to see parking stalls identified with signs that read “Family Parking”, “Reserved for Parents of young children”, “Senior Parking”, “Expectant Mothers” and similar. Although you found these signs sporadically when they first began appearing, they have become the norm.

I don’t have issues with the signs themselves. Targeting a specific demographic in the guise of a moral imperative is quite clever. It makes complete sense why a grocery store chain would want to cater to families over the person living on their own; they produce significantly more revenue. The same can be said of a woman about to give birth. Baby food and diapers are expensive and garnering the loyalty of a pregnant woman makes good economic sense. If the demographics of a given neighborhood warrant it, so does catering to seniors. Marketing to these groups is good business, but that is all it is. “Giant Grocery Conglomerate Inc.” does not give a damn about making the lives of the mother of three easier unless it affects their bottom line. This is a marketing campaign and is on par with seniors day, student discounts, coupons, and loyalty discount cards. Setting aside special parking for special groups is designed to instill loyalty to a brand name.

This is not a diatribe on the evils of large corporations. The fact that someone has come up with a way to market to these groups without offending any others is genius. My issue with these proclamations is this: people follow them. They read the signs, and assuming they do not fit into the indicated category or meet the required qualifications they look for somewhere else to park.

The policy caters to the 80% of Loblaws customers who are women. – Elizabeth Margles, Loblaws spokeswoman regarding reserved parking for mothers¹

What troubles me is people just doing as they are told. What troubles me is a simple sign, designed as part of a marketing effort, defining people’s moral or ethical framework. Writing down words is a simple thing, but their affect on our actions should be a more complex process than simply reading and accepting. There should be some thought involved.

In My Opinion

In this case my personal thought process is this: These signs imply an association with handicapped parking spaces, and imply the same moral drivers. This is ridiculous. Having a three year old and being confined to a wheelchair should not be compared. While I am sure that dragging a small child and an infant along to do grocery shopping feels like a handicap, it is not. It is a life choice made freely by many people. Making that choice can not reasonably be equated with having a crippling spinal injury or an amputated limb. Handicapped parking stalls are there to allow a sector of society, that has physical limitations, access to services and activities that they might otherwise be excluded from. Putting measures in place within our society to accommodate handicapped people has been a long slow process. The successful implementation of many of these measures, like special parking stalls, represents a struggle undertaken by many people and is now reflected in our laws and our moral inclination to respect those laws. Equating this with having a child or turning 60 is silly. Deciding to have a family does not make you handicapped, and does not come with any “front of the line” privileges.

Do this, don’t do that, can’t you read the sign – Five Man Electrical Band

Coming back to my original point, what concerns me about this is that people simply read a sign and do what it says. The parking itself is a pretty small issue obviously, and in fact, tends to benefit me quite often, as it guarantees me parking in a crowded lot, because in case the above has not made it abundantly obvious, I park in these reserved spots, in fact I go out of my way to park in them. So, it is not the parking that bothers me. This is indicative of a behavior I see on a larger scale that I find scary. The acceptance of any instruction, information, or point of view without any thought or analysis, without applying your own intellect to see if it is a point of view that you share, or even if it makes sense to you, is dangerous. Certainly special parking for a specific group is pretty benign, but the process of blandly accepting instructions to do so is the same mental process that people go through when denying privileges to certain groups. I do not think people give anymore thought to those parking signs than they did to “Whites Only” sings in diners, or implementing special identification for Jews in Germany. You may think I am stretching the point here, but I truly believe that we have to teach ourselves to question everything or we risk much through blind acceptance. There are no consequences associated with questioning a parking sign, but not many people would bother. Compare that with the significant consequences of questioning the Nazi government as they implemented increasingly isolating rules to a segment of society. Again, you may think I am exaggerating my point, that the two situations are not comparable. People always think when the time comes, they would stand up, but, if you do not question the easy things, you will never question the big things. Acceptance without thought becomes a way of life.

Say No to The Man

This is such a simple thing. Something that should be easy to say no to. I encourage you to do exactly that. Not that it matters all that much, but it is good practice, so that when your boss, your newspaper, a lobbyist, your government puts up a sign that does matter, you will have some experience asking questions and demanding explantions from authority.

Or you could just do like you are told, which leaves some really good parking spots for me.

Further Reading

This guy wrote a rather funny article that also encourages a little free thought over accepting random rules imposed by corporations.

Epilogue

I just read in the paper that grocery chains are also starting to implement “Hybrid Only” parking in certain markets. My arguement applies to this as well. This has nothing to do with encouraging environmental awareness. This is a marketing effort targeted at a specific demographic.

Footnotes

1. The Globe and Mail, May 11, 2007 [↩]