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When my friend’s child was younger he was prone to temper tantrums and bouts of rage. When such an episode was beginning she would always say, “Use your words. You have to tell me what’s the matter. You have to explain to me why you are upset. Use your words.” I thought it was excellent advice.
My neighbor came out onto his balcony and yelled at my wife the other day. My wife and I own a duplex. We occupy the back portion and we rent out the front unit. Our back yard shares a property line with a four-story apartment complex on two sides. It was from one of these apartment balconies that the man did the yelling.
On this bright sunny day the young ladies who rent the front of our duplex had turned up their music and we could hear it while we worked in the yard. I suspect this was the source of his frustration. I’m left wondering because instead of coming down from his apartment and leaning over our shared fence to explain his concern and see if we could come up with a solution, he threw a tantrum like a petulant child and yelled meaningless nonsense about respect from twenty feet in the air.
When I heard the shouting, I came out from my secluded spot behind the trees to see what all the fuss was. As soon as he realized that he wasn’t just yelling at a 110 pound woman he retreated back into his apartment, which reveals volumes about his character.
Left standing in my yard trying to decipher the source of his angst I was forced to make some guesses. He probably could not hear the music well from that distance which I also find frustrating. That must have been the answer because after I went in, opened the windows, and turned our stereo up really loud, he never did come back out onto his balcony. I congratulated myself on diverting a tense situation with quick thinking.
Other people are not privy to your internal monologue. You already know what the problem is. The path you have taken is obvious from where you are standing. It is both unfair and unrealistic to expect the person you are trying to communicate with to catch up all at once.
Remember that you have to tell me what’s the matter. You have to explain why you are upset. Use your words.
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