My Mind's Ink

I have been asked to share my perspective on vasectomies, and not simply because I have had two of them. I also got an infection following the second one, which made for a funny story, but I narrowly averted loosing one of my testicles. Then my wife and I changed our minds, and decided to have kids, so to secure my sperm a doctor extracted it with a needle. I have lengthy and unique experience in the area, is my point.

My road to a vasectomy started just like everyone else’s, with sex. “The Pill” reduced my wife’s libido to a point where birth control became superfluous, so we eliminated those, and our haphazard use of condoms felt like gambling. The list of solutions to avoid pregnancy is not long. Abstinence is not on our list, and the rhythm method works really well as long as you are comfortable having up to eight children. That left surgical options, and quite simply, those are less complicated for men, with fewer risks. So, I decided to get a vasectomy.

It’s a simple procedure. I don’t want to be flippant about this, but if you are able to be clinical, there’s not much to it. A local anesthetic and about twenty minutes in a doctor’s office. It takes longer to change the oil in my car.

Here’s the rub; low risk, is not no risk. In a minority of cases problems develop. Infection, inflammation, and chronic pain are all potential consequences. Not to mention that men with vasectomies have been known to father unexpected babies. However, in the majority of the cases, once you’ve calmed down from having someone cut open your scrotum, the only result is tenderness for a few days, and of course, sterility.

It seemed to work just like that for me, at first. More than a year after the operation I developed a complication. I’ll avoid medical terminology, what am I a doctor? The only detail that is relevant to my story is that sex became uncomfortable, or rather, I was unable to perform my “big finish” without some accompanying pain. Unless you are into some pretty specific fetishes, testicular pain during ejaculation is not desirable, so I was intent on getting that fixed.

The remedy was to cut out the old vasectomy and do another one. This was a more involved operation requiring general anesthetic, still low risk, but once again I won the “kicked in the nuts” lottery. I developed a serious infection following the surgery that put me in the hospital with a fever and very specific swelling. I made it to the other side of that sterile, without pain, and thankfully, with everything still in place.

Then I decided I wanted to have children. Which I can’t adequately account for, but that’s what happened. A friend recently asked me about my inexplicable change of heart. “Well,” I said, “no one has ever accused me of being indecisive.” In whichever direction I’m going, I’m running, like Forrest Gump.

My road to sterility was definitely more harrowing than most, but I’m not unique in wanting to change paths. Vasectomies are reversible, with a good success rate, but it is not something I looked into. As you might imagine my internal debate about further surgery anywhere near my entertainment equipment went something like this, “Not a fucking chance.”

Instead, I elected to have a needle inserted into my scrotum to extract sperm from the source, which I know doesn’t sound any better. My wife and I agreed to try In Vitro Fertilization (IVF), for which the doctors need sperm, and more than a plastic cup and happy thoughts were required for me to participate. I’ve written about this elsewhere, I almost passed out, but other than that, it went fine.

To the poor guys who have been cringing since paragraph one; I’m done talking about terrible things that can happen to your balls. I have a bunch of sperm frozen, awaiting the chance to unleash my progeny on the world, and my reproductive equipment can go back to being entirely recreational, which was the point when I started this whole debacle. All’s well that ends well.

Would I have the vasectomy again? Probably. It was the right decision at the time. If I had all the above information in advance, or had an inkling I was going to change my mind, clearly I would have made better decisions, but you can say that about anything.

Bad luck magnified an error in judgement, twice, but hell, it’s a risk every time you get out of bed, and sometimes you get the short straw. Thankfully, I’m not a typical example. My only advise is to consider your options, perhaps more carefully than I, then pick a direction, and start running.

This article was written after prodding by Angie, one of the ladies at ivfdiaries.com, who asked me to write about my experiences, and opinion, on vasectomies.

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